Disorder in the Court...
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts,"
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, and are
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
never the less?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law!